校园 英语情感剧本

Scene I A public place

(Enter Sampson and Gregory armed with swords and bucklers)

SampsonGregory, o' my word, we'll not carry coals

GregoryNo, for then we should be colliers

SampsonI mean, an we be in choler we'll draw

GregoryAy, while you live, draw your neck out o' the collar

SampsonI strike quickly, being moved

GregoryBut thou art not quickly moved to strike

SampsonA dog of the house of Montague moves me

GregoryTo move is to stir; and to be valiant is to stand:therefore, if thou art moved, thou runn'st away

SampsonA dog of that house shall move me to stand:I will take the wall of any man or maid of Montague's

GregoryThat shows thee a weak slave; for the weakest goes to thewall

SampsonTrue; and therefore women, being the weaker vessels,are ever thrust to the wall: therefore I will push Montague's menfrom the wall and thrust his maids to the wall

GregoryThe quarrel is between our masters and us their men

Sampson'Tis all one, I will show myself a tyrant:when I have fought with the men I will be cruel with the maids,I will cut off their heads

GregoryThe heads of the maids

SampsonAy, the heads of the maids, or their maidenheads;take it in what sense thou wilt

GregoryThey must take it in sense that feel it

SampsonMe they shall feel while I am able to stand:and 'tis known I am a pretty piece of flesh

Gregory'Tis well thou art not fish; if thou hadst,thou hadst been poor-John--Draw thy tool;Here comes two of the house of Montagues

SampsonMy naked weapon is out: quarrel! I will back thee

GregoryHow! turn thy back and run

SampsonFear me not

GregoryNo, marry; I fear thee!

SampsonLet us take the law of our sides; let them begin

GregoryI will frown as I pass by; and let them take it as theylist

SampsonNay, as they dare I will bite my thumb at them; which isdisgrace to them if they bear it

(Enter Abraham and Balthasar)

AbrahamDo you bite your thumb at us, sir

SampsonI do bite my thumb, sir

AbrahamDo you bite your thumb at us, sir

SampsonIs the law of our side if I say ay

GregoryNo

SampsonNo, sir, I do not bite my thumb at you, sir; but I bite mythumb, sir

GregoryDo you quarrel, sir

AbrahamQuarrel, sir! no, sir

SampsonBut if you do, sir, am for you: I serve as good a man asyou

AbrahamNo better

SampsonWell, sir

GregorySay better; here comes one of my master's kinsmen

SampsonYes, better, sir

AbrahamYou lie

SampsonDraw, if you be men--Gregory, remember thy swashing blow

(They fight)

(Enter Benvolio)

BenvolioPart, fools! put up your swords; you know not what you do(Beats down their swords)

(Enter Tybalt)

TybaltWhat, art thou drawn among these heartless hindsTurn thee Benvolio, look upon thy death

BenvolioI do but keep the peace: put up thy sword,Or manage it to part these men with me

TybaltWhat, drawn, and talk of peace! I hate the wordAs I hate hell, all Montagues, and thee:Have at thee, coward!

(They fight)

(Enter several of both Houses, who join the fray; then enterCitizens with clubs)

1 CitizenClubs, bills, and partisans! strike! beat them down!Down with the Capulets! Down with the Montagues!

(Enter Capulet in his gown, and Lady Capulet)

CapuletWhat noise is this--Give me my long sword, ho!

Lady CapuletA crutch, a crutch!--Why call you for a sword

CapuletMy sword, I say!--Old Montague is come,And flourishes his blade in spite of me

(Enter Montague and his Lady Montague)

MontagueThou villain Capulet!-- Hold me not, let me go

Lady MontagueThou shalt not stir one foot to seek a foe

(Enter Prince, with Attendants)

PrinceRebellious subjects, enemies to peace,Profaners of this neighbour-stained steel,--Will they not hear--What, ho! you men, you beasts,That quench the fire of your pernicious rageWith purple fountains issuing from your veins,--On pain of torture, from those bloody handsThrow your mistemper'd weapons to the groundAnd hear the sentence of your moved prince--Three civil brawls, bred of an airy word,By thee, old Capulet, and Montague,Have thrice disturb'd the quiet of our streets;And made Verona's ancient citizensCast by their grave beseeming ornaments,To wield old partisans, in hands as old,Canker'd with peace, to part your canker'd hate:If ever you disturb our streets again,Your lives shall pay the forfeit of the peaceFor this time, all the rest depart away:--You, Capulet, shall go along with me;--And, Montague, come you this afternoon,To know our farther pleasure in this case,To old Free-town, our common judgment-place--Once more, on pain of death, all men depart

(Exeunt Prince and Attendants; Capulet, Lady Capulet, Tybalt,Citizens, and Servants)

MontagueWho set this ancient quarrel new abroach--Speak, nephew, were you by when it began

BenvolioHere were the servants of your adversaryAnd yours, close fighting ere I did approach:I drew to part them: in the instant cameThe fiery Tybalt, with his sword prepar'd;Which, as he breath'd defiance to my ears,He swung about his head, and cut the winds,Who, nothing hurt withal, hiss'd him in scorn:While we were interchanging thrusts and blows,Came more and more, and fought on part and part,Till the prince came, who parted either part

Lady MontagueO, where is Romeo--saw you him to-day--Right glad I am he was not at this fray

BenvolioMadam, an hour before the worshipp'd sunPeer'd forth the golden window of the east,A troubled mind drave me to walk abroad;Where,--underneath the grove of sycamoreThat westward rooteth from the city's side,--So early walking did I see your son:Towards him I made; but he was ware of me,And stole into the covert of the wood:I, measuring his affections by my own,--That most are busied when they're most alone,--Pursu'd my humour, not pursuing his,And gladly shunn'd who gladly fled from me

MontagueMany a morning hath he there been seen,With tears augmenting the fresh morning's dew,Adding to clouds more clouds with his deep sighs:But all so soon as the all-cheering sunShould in the farthest east begin to drawThe shady curtains from Aurora's bed,Away from light steals home my heavy son,And private in his chamber pens himself;Shuts up his windows, locks fair daylight outAnd makes himself an artificial night:Black and portentous must this humour prove,Unless good counsel may the cause remove

BenvolioMy noble uncle, do you know the cause

MontagueI neither know it nor can learn of him

BenvolioHave you importun'd him by any means

MontagueBoth by myself and many other friends;But he, his own affections' counsellor,Is to himself,--I will not say how true,--But to himself so secret and so close,So far from sounding and discovery,As is the bud bit with an envious wormEre he can spread his sweet leaves to the air,Or dedicate his beauty to the sunCould we but learn from whence his sorrows grow,We would as willingly give cure as know

BenvolioSee, where he comes: so please you step aside;I'll know his grievance or be much denied

MontagueI would thou wert so happy by thy stayTo hear true shrift--Come, madam, let's away,

--And she's fair

(Exeunt Montague and Lady)

(Enter Romeo)

BenvolioGood morrow, cousin

RomeoIs the day so young

BenvolioBut new struck nine

RomeoAy me! sad hours seem longWas that my father that went hence so fast

BenvolioIt was--What sadness lengthens Romeo's hours

RomeoNot having that which, having, makes them short

BenvolioIn love

RomeoOut,--

BenvolioOf love

RomeoOut of her favour where I am in love

BenvolioAlas, that love, so gentle in his view,Should be so tyrannous and rough in proof!

RomeoAlas that love, whose view is muffled still,Should, without eyes, see pathways to his will!--Where shall we dine--O me!--What fray was hereYet tell me not, for I have heard it allHere's much to do with hate, but more with love:--Why, then, O brawling love! O loving hate!O anything, of nothing first create!O heavy lightness! serious vanity!Mis-shapen chaos of well-seeming forms!Feather of lead, bright smoke, cold fire, sick health!Still-waking sleep, that is not what it is!--This love feel I, that feel no love in thisDost thou not laugh

BenvolioNo, coz, I rather weep

RomeoGood heart, at what

she's fair I love

BenvolioAt thy good heart's oppression

RomeoWhy, such is love's transgression--Griefs of mine own lie heavy in my breast;Which thou wilt propagate, to have it prestWith more of thine: this love that thou hast shownDoth add more grief to too much of mine ownLove is a smoke rais'd with the fume of sighs;Being purg'd, a fire sparkling in lovers' eyes;Being vex'd, a sea nourish'd with lovers' tears:What is it else a madness most discreet,A choking gall, and a preserving sweet--Farewell, my coz

(Going)

BenvolioSoft! I will go along:An if you leave me so, you do me wrong

RomeoTut! I have lost myself; I am not here:This is not Romeo, he's some other where

BenvolioTell me in sadness who is that you love

RomeoWhat, shall I groan and tell thee

BenvolioGroan! why, no;But sadly tell me who

RomeoBid a sick man in sadness make his will,--Ah, word ill urg'd to one that is so ill!--In sadness, cousin, I do love a woman

BenvolioI aim'd so near when I suppos'd you lov'd

RomeoA right good markman!--And she's fair I love

BenvolioA right fair mark, fair coz, is soonest hit

RomeoWell, in that hit you miss: she'll not be hitWith Cupid's arrow,--she hath Dian's wit;And, in strong proof of chastity well arm'd,From love's weak childish bow she lives unharm'dShe will not stay the siege of loving termsNor bide th' encounter of assailing eyes,Nor ope her lap to saint-seducing gold:O, she's rich in beauty; only poorThat, when she dies, with beauty dies her store

BenvolioThen she hath sworn that she will still live chaste

RomeoShe hath, and in that sparing makes huge waste;For beauty, starv'd with her severity,Cuts beauty off from all posterityShe is too fair, too wise; wisely too fair,To merit bliss by making me despair:She hath forsworn to love; and in that vowDo I live dead that live to tell it now

BenvolioBe rul'd by me, forget to think of her

RomeoO, teach me how I should forget to think

BenvolioBy giving liberty unto thine eyes;Examine other beauties

Romeo'Tis the wayTo call hers, exquisite, in question more:These happy masks that kiss fair ladies' brows,Being black, puts us in mind they hide the fair;He that is strucken blind cannot forgetThe precious treasure of his eyesight lost:Show me a mistress that is passing fair,What doth her beauty serve but as a noteWhere I may read who pass'd that passing fairFarewell: thou canst not teach me to forget

BenvolioI'll pay that doctrine, or else die in debt

(Exeunt)

Scene II A Street

(Enter Capulet, Paris, and Servant)

CapuletBut Montague is bound as well as I,In penalty alike; and 'tis not hard, I think,For men so old as we to keep the peace

ParisOf honourable reckoning are you both;And pity 'tis you liv'd at odds so longBut now, my lord, what say you to my suit

CapuletBut saying o'er what I have said before:My child is yet a stranger in the world,She hath not seen the change of fourteen years;Let two more summers wither in their prideEre we may think her ripe to be a bride

ParisYounger than she are happy mothers made

CapuletAnd too soon marr'd are those so early madeThe earth hath swallowed all my hopes but she,--She is the hopeful lady of my earth:But woo her, gentle Paris, get her heart,My will to her consent is but a part;An she agree, within her scope of choiceLies my consent and fair according voiceThis night I hold an old accustom'd feast,Whereto I have invited many a guest,Such as I love; and you among the store,One more, most welcome, makes my number moreAt my poor house look to behold this nightEarth-treading stars that make dark heaven light:Such comfort as do lusty young men feelWhen well apparell'd April on the heelOf limping winter treads, even such delightAmong fresh female buds shall you this nightInherit at my house; hear all, all see,And like her most whose merit most shall be:Which, among view of many, mine, being one,May stand in number, though in reckoning noneCome, go with me--Go, sirrah, trudge aboutThrough fair Verona; find those persons outWhose names are written there, (gives a paper) and to them say,My house and welcome on their pleasure stay

(Exeunt Capulet and Paris)

sadness who is that

ServantFind them out whose names are written here!It is written that the shoemaker should meddle withhis yard and the tailor with his last, the fisher withhis pencil, and the painter with his nets; but I amsent to find those persons whose names are here writ,and can never find what names the writing personhath here writ I must to the learned:--in good time!

(Enter Benvolio and Romeo)

BenvolioTut, man, one fire burns out another's burning,One pain is lessen'd by another's anguish;Turn giddy, and be holp by backward turning;One desperate grief cures with another's languish:Take thou some new infection to thy eye,And the rank poison of the old will die

RomeoYour plantain-leaf is excellent for that

BenvolioFor what, I pray thee

RomeoFor your broken shin

BenvolioWhy, Romeo, art thou mad

RomeoNot mad, but bound more than a madman is;Shut up in prison, kept without my food,Whipp'd and tormented and--God-den, good fellow

ServantGod gi' go-den--I pray, sir, can you read

RomeoAy, mine own fortune in my misery

ServantPerhaps you have learned it without book:but I pray, can you read anything you see

RomeoAy, If I know the letters and the language

ServantYe say honestly: rest you merry!

RomeoStay, fellow; I can read (Reads)'Signior Martino and his wife and daughters;County Anselmo and his beauteous sisters; thelady widow of Vitruvio; Signior Placentio andhis lovely nieces; Mercutio and his brotherValentine; mine uncle Capulet, his wife, anddaughters; my fair niece Rosaline; Livia; SigniorValentio and his cousin Tybalt; Lucio and thelively Helena'A fair assembly (Gives back the paper): whither should theycome

ServantUp

RomeoWhither

ServantTo supper; to our house

RomeoWhose house

ServantMy master's

RomeoIndeed I should have ask'd you that before

ServantNow I'll tell you without asking: my master is the greatrich Capulet; and if you be not of the house of Montagues,I pray, come and crush a cup of wine Rest you merry!

(Exit)

BenvolioAt this same ancient feast of Capulet'sSups the fair Rosaline whom thou so lov'st;With all the admired beauties of VeronaGo thither; and, with unattainted eye,Compare her face with some that I shall show,And I will make thee think thy swan a crow

RomeoWhen the devout religion of mine eyeMaintains such falsehood, then turn tears to fires;And these,--who, often drown'd, could never die,--Transparent heretics, be burnt for liars!One fairer than my love the all-seeing sunNe'er saw her match since first the world begun

lov'd love a

BenvolioTut, you saw her fair, none else being by,Herself pois'd with herself in either eye:But in that crystal scales let there be weigh'dYour lady's love against some other maidThat I will show you shining at this feast,And she shall scant show well that now shows best

RomeoI'll go along, no such sight to be shown,But to rejoice in splendour of my own

(Exeunt)

Scene III Room in Capulet's House

(Enter Lady Capulet, and Nurse)

Lady CapuletNurse, where's my daughter call her forth to me

NurseNow, by my maidenhea,--at twelve year old,--I bade her come--What, lamb! what ladybird!--God forbid!--where's this girl--what, Juliet!

(Enter Juliet)

JulietHow now, who calls

NurseYour mother

JulietMadam, I am here What is your will

Lady CapuletThis is the matter,--Nurse, give leave awhile,We must talk in secret: nurse, come back again;I have remember'd me, thou's hear our counselThou knowest my daughter's of a pretty age

NurseFaith, I can tell her age unto an hour

Lady CapuletShe's not fourteen

NurseI'll lay fourteen of my teeth,--And yet, to my teen be it spoken, I have but four,--She is not fourteen How long is it nowTo Lammas-tide

Lady CapuletA fortnight and odd days

NurseEven or odd, of all days in the year,Come Lammas-eve at night shall she be fourteenSusan and she,--God rest all Christian souls!--Were of an age: well, Susan is with God;She was too good for me:--but, as I said,On Lammas-eve at night shall she be fourteen;That shall she, marry; I remember it well'Tis since the earthquake now eleven years;And she was wean'd,--I never shall forget it--,Of all the days of the year, upon that day:For I had then laid wormwood to my dug,Sitting in the sun under the dove-house wall;My lord and you were then at Mantua:Nay, I do bear a brain:--but, as I said,When it did taste the wormwood on the nippleOf my dug and felt it bitter, pretty fool,To see it tetchy, and fall out with the dug!Shake, quoth the dove-house: 'twas no need, I trow,To bid me trudgeAnd since that time it is eleven years;For then she could stand alone; nay, by the roodShe could have run and waddled all about;For even the day before, she broke her brow:And then my husband,--God be with his soul!'A was a merry man,--took up the child:'Yea,' quoth he, 'dost thou fall upon thy faceThou wilt fall backward when thou hast more wit;Wilt thou not, Jule' and, by my holidame,The pretty wretch left crying, and said 'Ay:'To see now how a jest shall come about!I warrant, an I should live a thousand yeas,I never should forget it; 'Wilt thou not, Jule' quoth he;And, pretty fool, it stinted, and said 'Ay'

Lady CapuletEnough of this; I pray thee hold thy peace

NurseYes, madam;--yet I cannot choose but laugh,To think it should leave crying, and say 'Ay:'And yet, I warrant, it had upon its browA bump as big as a young cockerel's stone;A parlous knock; and it cried bitterly'Yea,' quoth my husband, 'fall'st upon thy faceThou wilt fall backward when thou com'st to age;Wilt thou not, Jule' it stinted, and said 'Ay'

JulietAnd stint thou too, I pray thee, nurse, say I

NursePeace, I have done God mark thee to his grace!Thou wast the prettiest babe that e'er I nurs'd:An I might live to see thee married once, I have my wish

Lady CapuletMarry, that marry is the very themeI came to talk of--Tell me, daughter Juliet,How stands your disposition to be married

情感快递

道具：电动自行车，桌子（上面放着书，下面放着恐龙玩具），椅子两把，一块大布，长字条（以后请不要再打呼噜了，再打呼噜就用大嘴巴子踢死你！！！），酒瓶，枣，照片，梨，框子。

背景音乐音效：开门声，关门声，If（丁可唱），扇巴掌声，比较阴森恐怖的音乐。

快：到，我是大辟叉快递公司的金牌特送员9527，今天你的状态怎么样？好，好，非常好，非常好，耶！以右边自行车为基准，向右看齐，立定。标准站姿，我们是不是最棒的团队，是！我们要不要拿出最好的状态，要！我们要不要展现出最好的自己，要！我们的口号是：加油，加油，我最棒。加油，加油我最强！加油，加油，我最棒。加油，加油我最强！加油，加油，我最棒。加油，加油我最强！耶~我不锁你了，但你不许找别的自行车玩，我一会就回来啊！ 哎呀 ，你好我是大辟叉快递公司的，请问哪位亲要发快递啊。

女：来了

快：啊

女：进来吧，单子给我

快：哎呀，姐，我多句嘴，你这收发咋是同一个地址呢

女：这你都看出来了，来，带着这个过去吧！

快：姐，同城，异地，包括国外，我们都能对付，但是你要从一个世界到另一个世界，大辟叉做不到哇！

女：楼下你还做不到吗？

快：噢，哎呀我去，吓死我了，你这楼上楼下你还发快递啊。

女：我乐意。

快：姐，你这属于扶贫呐，哎呀我去，我以为是挽联呢，快递费十块钱。

女：货到付款。

快：哎，你说这人有意思没，发这玩意，我要天天接这活，我早买房了。大劈叉9527，有您的快递，是XX先生吧。

男：说

快：你的联，以后请不要再打呼噜了，再打呼噜就用大嘴巴子踢死你啊啊啊啊，叹号叹号叹号，快递费十块钱。

男：谁送的。

快：楼上那老娘们

男：那是我媳妇

快：啊

男：想要这钱吗？

快：想

男：传我旨意，你告诉她，我就打呼噜她爱听不听，不听滚，这戒指给他连带这个“切~”一块打包给我送过去，货到付款。

快:什么情况，什么家庭，不送了，不行啊，这玩意挺贵的，我得送啊，记着点20啊 姐

女：谁啊

快：劈叉公公，我们皇上说了，切~爱听不听，不听滚。这是你的旨，快递费20

女：他说的啊，那你进来，来，我是不是给你点脸了，你没有我生活能不能自理了，你每天吃饱喝足了，你往沙发上给我一瘫，你就跟那打啤酒沫子似的，你挺挂杯啊，我让你干点家务活，就跟杀你似的，咱俩结婚十年，你挑战了我十年，我哪次说话你听过，哪次说话你信过我哪次说话你走过心，还有我跟你说过一万遍，我不爱喝露露，我不爱吃梨，我不爱喝露露，我不爱吃梨，我不爱喝，呕~~我不爱吃梨。这两样你能不能记住，能不能

快：我能，但是我是快递，你跟我说什么玩意呢？

女：这是快递

快：快递啊~你这属于传话，你需要翻译呀。

女：翻译个屁，以原声大碟，MTV的格式给我递过去，对了啊，还有这兜子他的最爱，来，一块给我递过去。

快：哎，你说我这不是倒霉催的吗，我钱没收着，我还挨顿骂，跟谁俩呢，整一下一下的，记得30。你好，大劈叉 我是不是给你点脸了，你没有我生活能不能自理了，你每天吃饱喝足了，你往沙发上给我一瘫，你就跟那打啤酒沫子似的，你挺挂杯啊，我让你干点家务活，就跟杀你似的，咱俩结婚十年，你挑战了我十年，我哪次说话你听过，哪次说话你信过我哪次说话你走过心，还有我跟你说过一万遍，我不爱喝露露，我不爱吃梨，我不爱喝露露，我不爱吃梨，我不爱喝，呕~~我不爱吃梨。这两样你能不能记住，能不能。收，大哥，MTV播放完毕。

男：MTV 播放完毕

快：嗯

男：这又是开启的疯狗模式啊，你是按子收钱呢，还是按时段收钱呐

快：哥，你别管咋收钱啦，这还有兜子梨呢。

男：我算弄明白了，这是要离啊!

快：我说大哥吧，你也可以把它理解成止咳。

男：别贫，鉴于你刚才那段MTV，我突然有个想法。

快：啥呀，哥。

男：我想包你。

快：大哥我不是那种人。

男：你想啥呢，就你是我也不是啊，我这有一千块钱，帮我送份快递。

快：哥，用不上，用不上。

男：我花钱制作一部微**，接下来的三分钟，是你人生中最疯狂的三分钟。

快：得有多疯狂啊！

男：随心所欲。

快：那三分钟也不够啊

男：我怕时间长，你把房子给拆了，你要送的这段微**，片名就一个字“作”不是“嘬” 是“作”Z—U—O，作。

快：那是你两口子的事，超出我业务范围了，我送不了。

男：你要不送，我就投诉你。

快：别闹

男：投诉

快：送就送。 **你的快递 姐你家的吹风机在哪？ 姐，微**播放完毕。制片人，楼下我大哥，导演，楼下我大哥。领衔主演，9527。微**只有一个字“作”。

女：大甜枣给你啊，大嘴巴子给我递过去。

快：你这是给个巴掌，再给个大甜枣啊！

女：我这是把你这段微**给升级成武打片了。

快：你啥片我也不干了 干啥呀，打我啊。

女：疼不疼。

快：咋不疼，它酥酥的。

女：生不生气

快：想咬人

女：想不想打人。

快：见谁搂谁

女：那还等什么，奔跑吧兄弟

快：货到付款呗。明白。 大劈叉9527

男：你把这一箱子给我邮过去。

快：哥，你邮我吧。我估计你邮完我，我也就邮医院去了，这回我啥也不邮了

男：你不邮我就投诉你。

快：投呗，我降我都投了，还怕你投诉我吗？大哥我是看出来了，你们两口子针尖对麦芒，你说你这么有性格，你找我姐去，你是打是扇随便你。

男：你以为我不敢是不是。 不去了，太晚了，你走吧。

快：哎呀我去，不怪我姐说你啊，你可真是啤酒沫子，你可真挂杯了。

男：滚

快：爱送不送，不送拉倒，爱死不死

快：你好大劈叉

女：替我啊，打我啊，挠我啊，来啊来啊。让暴风雨来得更猛烈些吧

快：姐这次真不是暴风雨，你猜我搁我哥那屋发现啥了

女：爱啥啥

快：一根大长头发丝

女：爱啥丝啥丝，爱多长多多长，这么长吗？不是我的

快：不光有头发丝，还有香水味呢

女：滚

快：大劈叉，在我姐那屋发现的，哥那不是下酒菜。

男：不是我的，我的没这香。

女：XX你狼心狗肺

男：XX你也不是什么好东西

女：你臭不要脸，臭不要脸

男：你香你香，就你香

快：哎呀，大哥大姐，消消气啊，我给你们放段音乐，缓和一下尴尬的气氛，虽然我不知道啊，你们为啥闹到今天这样，但我敢说呢，你们俩还是彼此在意对方的，我从前听说过这么一段故事，说有这么一对老夫妻，在一块生活了六十年，老两口呢，特别爱吃鱼，老头给老太太夹了一辈子鱼尾，老太太给老头夹了一辈子鱼头。有一天呢，他俩就约定好，说这回谁也不给谁夹，自己吃自己的，鱼做好了。老头上去把鱼尾巴夹到自己碗里，而老太太则夹了鱼头。两人是边吃边笑啊，其实老太太一直爱吃鱼头，但却吃了一辈子鱼尾巴，而老头爱吃鱼尾巴，但却吃了一辈子鱼头。就这样两人生活了六十年，忍让了六十年，这是什么啊，这是爱！两人都把自己最爱的东西让给对方。哥，姐这不像你俩一样，我姐爱吃枣，我哥爱吃梨。你看你两口子吃的这玩意，栆梨啊。姐啊，那头发丝啊是我在你门口捡的，哥，那袜子吧是我自己的。你看看这样多好啊，有啥事不能当面唠。 失败了，行了我也该下班了，再见。

女：9527

快：干啥呀姐，你还想从头来一遍啊。

女：快快，进来，你再帮姐送最后一份快递呗

快：你可拉倒吧，你送那玩意，都是易燃易爆的。

女：这次不危险，而且很浪漫

快：啥呀

女：我

快：哎呀我去

女：快点，听我的，帮我卷起来

快：不是姐，你说你搁这瞎扯啥呢，我哥也没翻你牌子啊，你再给自己整Low喽！

女：Low了不怕，就怕漏了。

快：不是，你捆成这样等会你咋下台阶啊

女：你说对了，我就是让你帮我找个台阶下，你在前面走，姐在后面蹦。

快：小心点啊，台阶看着点。小心点，蹦，蹦，蹦。躺下，躺下。大哥你的最后一份快递。

男：我说你一天天

快：走你

女：哎呀（音乐If起）

注：只是台词剧本，没有动作解说。需要的请结合小品视频。“快”——大劈叉快递员。

“女”——楼上妻子，“男”——楼下丈夫。

百吹图》

甲 我们是第一次来到这里。

乙 头一回。

甲 但是跟大家也是老朋友了。

乙 怎么呢？

甲 因为在电视里经常见到我们。

乙 大家经常看我们的节目。

甲 就是没有面对面瞧见过。

乙 没有这样的机会。

甲 所以大家很有兴趣，想弄张票看一看：这马季长的什么模样啊？

乙 都挺关心的嘛。

甲 现在借这个机会，公开在这儿展览一下。

乙 啊？展览哪？

甲 欢迎参观，请勿拿走！

乙 哎！谁抱的动啊？

甲 前边都是表演的节目。

乙 对。

甲 咱们俩人呢，在这儿来个别开生面的节目。

乙 什么节目？

甲 咱们在这儿进行一次体育比赛。

乙 在哪儿？

甲 就在这舞台上。

乙 这舞台上能运动的开吗？

甲 咱不搞大型的比赛项目。

乙 那咱比赛什么呀？咱们下棋？

甲 下棋不行，下棋大家看不清楚。

乙 那，咱俩拔河。

甲 拔河是集体项目哇。

乙 那，咱俩拳击。

甲 拳击？咱俩谁打谁都不合适。

乙 那咱俩比赛什么呀？

甲 咱俩比赛吹牛吧。

乙 哎！吹牛？

甲 啊。

乙 说大话呀？

甲 哎，这是一种新兴的比赛项目，古今中外吹牛的人是大有人在呀。

乙 是吗？

甲 吹牛的方式还多种多样。乙 都有怎么吹的？

甲 直截了当吹的、拐弯儿抹角吹的、互相对着吹的、捧着吹的、海阔天空吹的。

乙 嘿哟！花样还不少。

甲 咱们通过今天这场友谊比赛，把一个个吹牛的嘴脸勾划出来，推荐给大家。

乙 啊？

甲 您爱学哪样学哪样。

乙 有学这个的吗？

甲 咱们就是让大家看一看。

乙 可以。不过我在吹牛上可没什么经验呐。

甲 不要紧哪，一回生两回熟，熟中生巧哇。只要你不断地吹、经常地吹、刻苦地吹、用不了多久，你能吹出亚洲，走向世界。

乙 啊？我吹出亚洲啊？

甲 你应该有信心，你条件确实好哇！

乙 我什么条件好哇？

甲 脸皮比较厚实。

乙 哎……谁呀？

甲 怎么样？

乙 既然这样，我就吹吹试试。

甲 好，那我们吹牛比赛开始了。

乙 行，行。

甲 请大家都坐好了。在座的哪位，如果对吹牛有兴趣，我欢迎您上来咱一块儿吹。

乙 这队伍就别扩大啦。

甲 好，现在吹牛比赛开始，双方运动员入场。

乙 还有入场式？

甲 （学吹奏）

乙 这什么乐队呀？

甲 吹管乐伴奏。

乙 好嘛，全吹一块儿去了。

甲 首先，由种子队员赵炎开吹！

乙 好！我呀！

甲 啊？

乙 我还真没吹过这玩艺儿。

甲 要吹咱就卯足了劲儿吹。

乙 那当然了，咱还想破纪录哪。

甲 对。

乙 要想吹牛啊！

甲 嗯？

乙 在座的谁也不如我！

甲 这属于直截了当吹。

乙 我吹牛有十几年的历史了。

甲 不简单呀！哈哈，吹了十几年啦？

乙 啊。

甲 我吹二十多年啦。

乙 他比我还厉害。我现在吹牛上可有绝招啊。

甲 我在吹牛上有祖传秘方啊。

乙 我能把方的吹成圆的。

甲 我能把短的吹成长的。

乙 我能把丑的吹成美的。

甲 我能把死的吹成活的。

乙 嘿，你可太厉害啦。

甲 吹呀！

乙 我告诉你呀，我们家是吹牛世家。

甲 我告诉你呀，我们家是吹牛门里出身。

乙 我们家是吹牛作坊。

甲 我们家是吹牛工厂。

乙 我们家是吹牛股份有限公司。

甲 我们家是吹牛大托拉司。

乙 我们家是世界吹牛中心。

甲 我们……你们这中心是我们家吹出来的。

乙 嗐！比不了。你可真能吹呀！

甲 吹呀！

乙 比不了！

甲 吹呀！开局你就失利啦！不行吧？咱再来。

乙 来。

甲 咱们换样吧。

乙 什么样？

甲 咱们绕着吹吧！

乙 什么叫绕着吹呀？

甲 你吹我，我吹你，吹来吹去，目的还是为了抬高自己。

乙 嗬！吹牛的名堂还真不少。

甲 吹牛人全是这样嘛！来，吹吧！

乙 哎哟！马季同志。您的相声说的太好啦。

甲 哪里哪里，赵炎同志！您的相声比我说的好啊。

乙 不行，不行，您可以称的上是名家高手，权威大师啊！

甲 不能这么说，您可以说是新星新秀、新的潮流的代表。

乙 哪里，哪里！您的相声是高雅而不粗俗哇。

甲 您的相声是幽默而又含蓄呀。

乙 您的相声真是脍炙人口啊！

甲 您的相声可以说是当代佼佼者。

乙 您的相声是家喻户晓，妇孺皆知啊。

甲 您的相声可以说是世界幽默宝库里面的精品哪。

乙 您的相声让人是前仰后合呀！

甲 您的相声那真是山崩地裂啦！

乙 啊？要地震哪？您的相声社会作用太大了。

甲 您的相声社会效果极佳呀。

乙 上回东郊一个工厂着火啦，全城的消防队都去了，没救灭呀！没办法把您请去了，您站在那儿嘚啵嘚啵来段相声，眼看着那火苗子出溜出溜、吧叽就灭了。您这作用太大了。

甲 好，我这相声管救人哪。

乙 好哇。

甲 要说您的相声作用更大啦！

乙 怎么哪？

甲 西郊奶牛场那个牛哇，不下奶了。后来把您给找去了，你是风尘仆仆，不顾疲劳，对着奶牛您就吹上啦！

乙 吹上啦？

甲 您就说上啦！

乙 哎。

甲 说了一段相声，感动的那牛啊，顺着眼睛往外流牛奶呀！

乙 您瞧瞧！

甲 哗！……

乙 行啦！这儿开闸啦！您不光相声说的好哇！您那笔头子厉害呀！

甲 您那笔头子比我厉害多啦！

乙 昨天我听说：您一晚上写八篇文章啊。

甲 我听说昨晚上，您写了仨**剧本儿啊。

乙 您那国画也好哇！

甲 您的书法真是一绝呀！

乙 您的国画，荣宝斋都不敢公开出售哇。

甲 您的书法……海关都不让出口哇！

乙 那为什么呀？

甲 怕丢人哪！哈哈。

乙 像话吗？你不光文学上有所成就哇！您还是一位出色的运动员。

甲 您……我还运动员哪？

乙 您瞧，您这体形，没怎么运动就先圆啦！运——动——“圆”。

甲 我什么运动员哪？

乙 您是体操运动员呢。

甲 对，我要不是体操运动员，我能有这线条吗？

乙 嘿！他还承认啦！

甲 对对！

乙 嘿哟！前些日子你编了套高难度的动作，什么童非、李宁，根本做不了哇。

甲 你怎么知道的？

乙 体育界这点事儿，能瞒得了我吗？

甲 您给大伙儿介绍介绍。

乙 说一说？

甲 啊。

乙 那套高难度的动作呀！那是鞍马上的托马斯全旋，然后蹿到高低杠上，一个佳妮腾越，在单杠上来个单臂大回环，最后掉到地毯上，来个旋转七百二十度，然后从怀里头变出个大火盆来。

甲 哎呀，你可太能吹啦！

乙 行行，你也太能吹呀！

甲 我吹不过你。

乙 怎么？

甲 你不愧是吹坛上的新秀。

乙 哪里，哪里！那我也比不了您这吹坛上的老将啊。

甲 哎，你是青出于吹胜于吹啦！

乙 哎！您是老将吹马，一个吹俩呀！

甲 不能这么说，您是长江后吹吹前吹啦！

乙 您是……？我都没词儿啦！

甲 又完了吧？

乙 再来，再来！

甲 还来呀，又换样啦。

乙 又换什么样啦？

甲 借吹啦！

乙 什么叫借吹呀？

甲 借别人的嘴吹嘘自己！

乙 好嘛！这名堂还真不少。

甲 来吧！

乙 要讲借吹呀，你马季可就不行啦！

甲 马季？

乙 啊。

甲 等会儿！马季来了吗？马季在哪儿呢？找找！马季也来啦？

乙 嘿！这位吹牛吹的，连自己都找不着啦！你不是马季吗？

甲 不，我不是马季。

乙 你是谁呀？

甲 我不值一提。

乙 你是哪位？

甲 我是小小的“赵炎”。

乙 嘿，“赵炎”就小小的呀？那你是“赵炎”，我哪儿去啦？

甲 我哪知道？

乙 我是谁呀？

甲 哎哟！你就是德高望重的马老先生。

乙 好嘛！我俩换个啦！

甲 哎呀，马老先生真是了不起呀。你是博学多才。您称为活的百科全书。马老先生！

乙 这位借别人的嘴吹自己呀！不行，不行，我“马季”比你“赵炎”可差远啦。你“赵炎”，天文地理无所不通啊。

甲 不能那么说。我小小的“赵炎”见了您是小巫见大巫啦。

乙 哪里，哪里！我“马季”见到您退避三舍呀！

甲 怎么样？又完了吧？又不行啦！

乙 再来呀。

甲 这回咱们海阔天空吹。

乙 海阔天空？

甲 想吹什么，吹什么。

乙 来吧。

甲 你来吧。

乙 告诉你呀！我这个人能耐太大啦！

甲 有什么能耐？

乙 我这人能用耳朵看书，能耐大。

甲 你没问问我有什么能耐吧？

乙 你有什么能耐？

甲 我经常用鼻子吃饭。

乙 那我能用胳肢窝找矿。

甲 我能用嗓子眼儿发电。

乙 我隔着墙能看见人。

甲 我隔着你衣服能看见你钱。

乙 我留神吧！告诉你呀！昨天晚上我发高烧啦！

甲 昨天晚上我也发高烧啦！

乙 我高烧六十七度。

甲 我高烧九十四度。

乙 你也不怕烧死啊！”

甲 烧吧！

乙 烧的这厉害哟！手里摸个玉米粒儿，一张手成爆米花了。

甲 我烧的也太厉害啦。

乙 怎么啦？

甲 今天早晨出被窝一睁眼呢，那被子烧了四个大窟窿啊！

乙 你可太能烧啦！

甲 你也够能烧的啊。

乙 昨天晚上我请人吃饭啦！

甲 我昨天晚上也请人吃饭啦！

乙 我怎么吹，他怎么吹呀！

甲 来吧！

乙 吃着吃着坏啦。我把筷子咽下去啦！

甲 我吃着吃着也坏啦！我把勺子咽下去啦！

乙 我吃着吃着又坏啦！我把盘子咬下一块来。

甲 我吃着吃着也坏啦！我把大碗咬下一块来！

乙 我吃着吃着又坏啦！我把那桌子给咬下来啦！

甲 我吃着吃着也坏啦。我咬……我把自己鼻子咬下来啦！

乙 啊？你够得着吗？

甲 我跷着脚咬的！你管得着吗？

乙 像话吗？我告诉你呀！我这个人少年老成。

甲 我告诉你呀，我这个人成熟得过早。

乙 我十岁就考上大学啦。

甲 我九岁就大学毕业啦！

乙 我八岁就结婚啦！

甲 我七岁我们那孩子十三啦。

乙 好嘛！像话吗？

甲 反正吹牛也不上税不是，来吧！

乙 我跟你说呀，我六岁就长老人斑啦！

甲 我五岁就有抬头纹啦！

乙 我四岁就驼背啦。

甲 我三岁就留胡子啦！

乙 我两岁就谢顶啦！

甲 我刚生下来我退休啦！

乙 这不边儿啦！

甲 来吹呀，吹呀！

乙 跟你说呀，我这人可高。

甲 跟你说呀，我比你高得多。

乙 我两米六九。

甲 我三米六九。

乙 你有那么高吗？

甲 你有那么高吗？

乙 我热胀冷缩抽抽啦！

甲 我热胀冷缩胀出来啦。

乙 那你也没我高，我跟北京白塔一般高。

甲 我比白塔高一头。

乙 还是我高。

甲 我高。

乙 飞机从我腰中飞。

甲 卫星打我脚下过。

乙 我高。

甲 我高。

乙 我头顶蓝天，脚踩大地不能再高啦！

甲 我……我上嘴唇挨着天，下嘴唇挨着地！

乙 啊？！上嘴唇挨着天，下嘴唇挨着地？

甲 啊！

乙 那你的脸哪儿去啦？

甲 我们吹牛的人就不要脸啦。

乙 嗐！

暗恋是一种自毁，是一种伟大的牺牲。暗恋，甚至不需要对象，我们不过站在河边，看着自己的倒影自怜，却以为自己正爱着别人。

爱情和情歌一样，最高境界是余音袅袅。最凄美的不是报仇雪恨，而是遗憾。最好的爱情，必然有遗憾。那遗憾化作余音袅袅，长留心上。最凄美的爱，不必呼天抢地，只是相顾无言。

失望，有时候，也是一种幸福。因为有所期待，才会失望。遗憾，也是一种幸福。因为还有令你遗憾的事情。追寻爱情，然后发现，爱，从来就是一件千回百转的事。

最浪漫的爱是得不到的。最浪漫的情话，是当哪个已经跟你分了手的人打电话来问：“你好吗？”你稀松平常地回答：“我很好。”而其实你还爱着他，你一点也不好。